Welcome Asymmetrical Chronic Noise Induced Hearing Loss

LIFE PIVOT

Journal Entry. April 2025

There are moments when everything shifts.

When something small cracks open your world, and the life you’ve built suddenly feels unfamiliar.

For me, that shift began with a sound.  A high-pitched tone in my left ear that wouldn’t go away.

​At first, I tried to deny its presence.  It was Easter and I had a trumpet gig and the ringing was ever present in my ear.  I took out my horn to warm up and  I knew something was really wrong. I couldn’t hear well enough to hear my own sound or blend with the organ. My tone was buried under the noise generated in my head. The louder the sound the more distorted it became. I had mild tinnitus before, but this was different. It is constant and unrelenting with the added clipping distortion when sound volume is above quiet speaking. It swirls in my head, oscillates with my pulse and weaves in and out of my conscious attention. A new reality?

The next night I had to conduct a brass ensemble rehearsal at Williams College.  I attempted to plug my left ear and muscle through the rehearsal. I stepped in front of the ensemble, baton in hand, trying to conduct.  I could hear them—but what I heard was masked by distorted white noise generated in my ear. . The left side of my head was flooded with distortion, while the right side picked up sound that felt distant and reflective. My focus kept getting pulled toward the interference instead of the music.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t tune it out.  The more I focused on the distortion, the bigger it became— my emotions were making my head spin with thoughts that this might be a new reality.

By the next morning, the truth was unavoidable. My ear was damaged. I got tested and discovered a loss of about 50dB at 4000 hz and above in my left ear. What is odd is that noise induced hearing loss usually happens in both ears equally, in my case, I am asymetrical which means that something else may be at play. I am getting an MRI soon, have had two steriod injections directly into my left ear, and have sat in a hyperbaric chamber for 10 days in hopes of healing. As I work through this life challenge I have had to step away from all performance gigs. I can not longer play my trumpet or conduct an ensemble until the day the buzz in my head goes away. Heaing in crowded environments has also become a challenge. When I finally stepped away from my music career, I met a profound emtotional transformation that I believe will change the way my life is experienced moving forward.

A pivot is taking place.

I started to experiment and research —small things at first. Listening differently. Breathing more deliberately. Trying not to react so quickly to the sounds and the irritations it causes.  I had been studiying Buddhism and mindfulness and came across the concept of Upekkah which taught me to find balance from the emotions that were controlling my actions. Equanimity. I learned about neuromodulation tones, and how they can redirect the brain’s attention. And in that, I saw something bigger than just coping. I saw a potential way of living with my new friend in my head.

I realized that this wasn’t just about the sound —it was about how I relate to it.  About where I place my intention. If I can slow down before I react, if I can find even a brief pause, I might be able to live in a quieter, more grounded place. Not just quieter in sound—but quieter in mind. Tinnitus, I started to see, wasn’t just a symptom. It was a teacher. It was forcing me to pay attention.  To question how I move through the world. To let go of the version of myself I thought was fixed—musician, leader, performer—and ask what still holds true without the roles. I reframed the sound as a wonderful reminder that I am alive.  When the ringing stops, I stop, so find a way to embrace it.  

Everything in the universe is vibration. Sound, light, thought—it’s all energy. So, what if this sound in my head isn’t separate from that? What if it’s part of the whole? I began to imagine this pitch in my ear as a kind of companion. Constant, yes—but also alive. A presence that says, you’re still here.  It is all about the perspectives you choose to develop in your mind.  We create our reality given the circumstances that life presents.  With Tinnitus, no one will ever understand what you are experiencing. No one can hear it.  The pitch is one thing, but the distortion is another.  The 'clipping' in my head occurs with loud sounds, making it impossible to function as a performing musician.  May in time it will subside, but time will only tell.  I must train my mind to live with this new sound and find beauty in it.

So now, I’m learning to listen differently. Not to what I’ve lost, but to what’s still present. I use tones and mindfulness to redirect my attention. I notice where my thoughts go and ask whether they need to be followed. Because every time I chase the noise, I reinforce it. But when I return to the present—when I choose stillness—that loop begins to loosen its grip.​ This is quiet work. Internal work.  ​

Maybe this isn’t about stepping away from music.Maybe it’s about heading towards new creative possibilities.  Perspective is a choice.

GOING THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILIAR?

Want to compare notes? Share solutions?

Shoot me a note:  vtsoundwork@gmail.com